Well, we can all breathe a sigh of relief. Yes, we have finally found the root of all evil in modern society - and it is the video game. It is the video game that causes otherwise completely well-balanced people to lose all sense of reality and go on killing sprees. It is the video game that is bringing death and destruction to happy, well-functioning societies the world over.

It wasn’t always the video game. Back in the days before video games, it was rock music that played such an evil role in our little world. Music is still a big threat today, as anyone at the PMRC will be happy to tell you - youngsters are so impressionable, you know. Too much Judas Priest, too much Marilyn Manson, and even completely stable, well-adjusted kids might start sacrificing chickens - and then sacrificing each other.

Movies are bad as well, because the people who should know tell us that most people are completely incapable of differentiating between “art" and “real life.” And instead of educating people and teaching them right and wrong, teaching them the difference between fantasy and reality, between art and real life, it is faster and simpler to eliminate the offending art and to do away with the fantasy world. Education is such a hassle, and controversial artists are an easy target. Nobody likes a devil-worshipper, boys and girls.

Because of their fragility, it’s best to make sure that healthy children are not exposed to any violence other than the violence they see taking place in the real world every day. Outside of the virtual world, people have drug deals and drive-by shootings taking place on their doorsteps. Outside of the fantasy movie world, children are abused and ignored, injustices are swept under the carpet, and anybody with half a brain can get access to a gun and blow half of someone else’s brain away. This is real life, but these are not the real problems - and it’s a good thing, too, because trying to change all this sure would be a lot of trouble.

The disintegrating fabric of society is not the problem, the people with guns in their hands aren’t the problem. The real problem is the thousands of impressionable children with joysticks in their hands. Perhaps the gun is just a joystick substitute for these youngsters. If we eliminate the joysticks and the need for joysticks, there will be no reason for kids to reach for the guns lying around their houses.

Don’t worry, it’s not really a paradox if we ban violent movies and video games, yet allow every household to have a well-stocked gun rack in its basement. It’s the God-given right of every American to own a gun; the American God is apparently a member of the NRA. Maybe it’s true that you’re more likely to be killed by a gun if you keep a gun in your house, or maybe it’s not. But if it is, at least you will have gone out fighting - and when America is invaded by the Canadians, won’t you be happy to have those guns for self-defense? Anyway, guns aren’t only used for killing other people; you can kill animals with guns as well, and sometimes you just can’t take down a deer with anything but an AK-47.

So there you go, parents. Isn’t it a comfort to finally understand why your children are turning into mass murderers and to know what you can do to stop it? Isn’t it a relief to realize that the problem is so easy to correct? No, there is no need for you to actually pay attention to your children, to raise them with love, to teach them that life is precious. There is no need for you to take any sort of interest in how they spend their time - just as long as they’re not playing those evil video games. Or watching certain movies. Or listening to that rock music. What, they have pictures of Hitler on the walls of their rooms? No, no, nothing to worry about. Swastika armbands? That’s just the fashion, you know (although you do have to be wary of trenchcoats - guns don’t kill people, trenchcoats kill people). Anway, doesn’t every child go through that fascist phase? No, as long as they don’t play “Doom," those swastikas are not a sign of a bigger problem, and are not a warning signal that there is something wrong with your child.

And Mr. Clinton - you snuggly humanitarian president you - you, too, can breathe a sigh of relief. You just continue to do that great job of trying to ban images of smoking in Hollywood movies. You continue to bemoan the fact that our society is crumbling because of all the violence in video games or on TV, and there will be absolutely no need for you to contemplate dysfunctional interpersonal relationships, attempt to ban handguns or even (gasp) take on the NRA. You just keep on praying - isn’t that what we’re meant to do? Yes, let us pray. Let us close our eyes and pray that all the big, mean problems go away without us actually having to do anything about them. Let us gather in town squares all across America and have a video game burning. We’ll sing Kum Ba Ya and, as the last diskettes and CD-ROMs disappear in the acrid black smoke, we’ll have a 21 gun salute and we’ll rejoice at having eliminated yet another threat to our harmonious American society.

After all, guns don’t kill people…

Further reading…