Ah, summertime. The sun is out, the temperature is up, and all the people who were more or less decently covered up in the cold weather by long pants and big sweaters have begun to shed their woolly layers - and reveal their true colors. And after having been assaulted by so much bare flesh and bad taste over the past few weeks, I feel the need to give some people a clue. To this end, I’m going to present you all with a few quick Fashion Tips á la Jessica. Some of the tips are good for all seasons, not just summer. Here you go.

1. Men: Do not wear short shorts. And do not wear tight shorts. And for God’s sake, do not wear short, tight shorts. And do not pair short, tight shorts with white socks pulled up to your knees and sandals on your feet. This seems to be a popular look amongst German men in the summer, and it gives me the heebie-jeebies. Guys, please. I do not need to see all your lumpy, bumpy bits in so much gruesome detail.

2. Women (and men, for that matter): Unless you are actually on a bike training for the Tour de France or something, do not wear bicycle shorts. Even if you have the body of a supermodel, these things just look bad. Bicycle shorts are an article of exercise clothing. They are not meant to be worn while you are shopping, or eating out, or walking around where I can see you.

3. Girls: Platform shoes are dumb. Platform tennis shoes are dumber. And big, white, open-backed, slip-on platform tennis shoes are about the dumbest footwear I have ever laid eyes upon. I had really hoped that this fashion abomination would disappear as quickly as it showed up - but alas, I still see legions of pubescent and pre-pubescent girls clodding around town with these things on their feet, desperately attempting to look trendy and stay upright. Maybe one should take into consideration that I’m 5 feet 11 inches tall, so 6-inch platforms are about the last item of footwear I would consider buying. But even if I were 4 foot 1, I can’t imagine that I’d want to strap pontoons onto my feet before heading out on a shopping foray. Why? Why? Why?

4. Boys: Uh… Well, summer or winter, it’s vaguely irritating to see kids running around trying to look and act like little gangsters or mini-gigolos, but I guess just as the girlies seem to jump headlong into the role of Scantily-Clad Sex Object, the boys eagerly embrace the role of Big Tough Man. One can only hope that it’s just a phase, and that they’ll get tired of all the preening and posing. But I digress. Fashionably speaking, boys are generally just sorta there.

5. Miscellaneous fashion pet peeves for any gender and any season: Fanny packs (butt packs, to all you English people for whom “fanny" means something completely different) - I just hate them. And mobile phones in little cases strapped to people’s belts are even worse.

Visible Panty Line (also known as VPL) - Girls, if you’re going to wear tight polyester pants, please look at yourself in a mirror from behind before you walk out the door. VPL effectively ruins any and all attempts at looking hip and sexy.

Dressing exactly like your friends - Silly when you’re 10. Ridiculous when you’re 15. Downright frightening when you’re 20 or older.

Tight white pants - They look gross on everybody.

Sunglasses after the sun has gone down - I mean, please.

Tank tops (or vests, in England) for men - Gag.

The list does, in fact, go on, but I’ll spare you and stop now. And I’ll also write a brief disclaimer. No, no one died and appointed me Chief of the Fashion Police. Summer or winter, my own daily uniform usually consists of GAP clothing in either black or grey and a big old pair of Doc Martens. I own what some people might consider “dubious" articles of clothing - black cowboy boots; a fuzzy, fluorescent pink coat; numerous hats that can make me look like anything from a beachcomber to a member of Devo - and I wear all of this clothing with gusto. I’m definitely not beyond making fashion mistakes myself, as almost any photo of me as a teenager will demonstrate.

But I think I generally know what looks okay on my body, and I’m always astounded that other people don’t even seem to own a mirror. Yes, that’s mean. Yes, I’m being a catty snob. You may say, “Well, not everyone cares about appearances so much, and anyway, people should wear whatever makes them happy.” Yeah, whatever. People can wear whatever makes them happy. And I can write about whatever makes me unhappy. And other people’s summer clothing is making me mighty unhappy lately.

And I think the heat is making me cranky.

Further reading…