Well, I was only on German soil for about 24 hours before I was already so furious about something that I could have spit nails. The object of my wrath this time? The stupid, useless German postal system - the good old Deutsche Post.

A word about the Deutsche Post: it’s expensive. It’s wickedly, horribly, ridiculously expensive to send mail anywhere with the Deutsche Post, and maybe if I could be assured that any mail I sent through the German postal system would actually get to where it was supposed to go - and get there intact - then I wouldn’t gripe so much about having to pay so much. But the only thing that I’ve come to be certain of with the Deutsche Post is that, if I’m sending or receiving something important, then the Deutsche Post will almost inevitably screw things up.

But let me backtrack. As you may or may not know, I am planning on moving to England this year, which means that I need a visa from the British Consulate in Düsseldorf. I had to call and write to the Consulate, and then I got my application forms in the mail.

I found the application process really nerve-wracking. In addition to filling out the forms, I had to make a trillion copies of every official document I possess: passports (mine and Jeremy’s), residence permits for Germany, proof of my status as a student, proof of Jeremy’s employment, our marriage certificate, bank statements, etc.etc. - everything that proves to the bureaucrats that I actually exist. It took me long, stressful days to get it all together, but finally, finally, about 5 weeks ago, I shoved it all into a nice big envelope addressed to the British Consulate and I turned the whole lot over to the Deutsche Post.

I’m sure you all see where this is leading, but I have to rant, so I shall continue.

A week after I sent the stuff off, I took off for America. I was sure that the Consulate would try to get in touch with me in Germany while I was gone, so Jeremy was on the lookout for anything official-looking in the mail. Every time I talked to him on the phone, I asked if anything had come from the Consulate, and he would say no, not yet.

After three weeks of nothing, I started to get a bit nervous. After a month I was downright suspicious. I toyed with the idea of calling them from the States to see if they had gotten the application, but I decided against it - there was nothing I could have done about the application from the States anyway, and if there was bad news, I didn’t want it ruining my holiday (yes, I lead a life of avoidance and denial).

So, the day before yesterday I got back to Germany. And yesterday afternoon I picked up the phone and talked to the nice English lady at the Consulate in Düsseldorf. I told her my name and my situation, and she started to look in her computer for information about me, and then she asked for my name again, and then asked how I spell my last name, and then asked for my date of birth, and then asked for my first name again…and as the minutes dragged on, I was filled with the cold certainty that they had never gotten my application. I knew it. I just knew it. And sure enough, eventually I heard: “I can’t seem to find you in our computer. We haven’t received your application.”

She hunted around a while longer, and finally it came down to her being very apologetic and me requesting new forms to fill out, and her getting my name and address, and me thanking her and hanging up the phone and shouting a very bad word and bursting into tears of frustration. What followed was me getting very, very, very mad at the blankety-blank-blank Deutsche Post.

You know why I’m really mad? It’s not just because for the past 5 weeks I’ve assumed that my visa application process was underway, and now I find that I’m back at square one. It’s not just because it was extremely emotionally taxing to get the whole application together the first time around, and now I have to go through it all again. And it’s not just because now there are copies of all my personal official documents just floating around somewhere in the country for anyone to find.

I’m really ticked off because this sort of thing happens all the time. If it looks vaguely interesting or important, someone at the Deutsche Post is sure to take it and hide it or burn it or bury it in someone’s backyard or something.

I’ve sent checks back to the States that didn’t show up. Jeremy’s mom has sent money to him that didn’t show up. A friend of mine had money sent to him that didn’t show up. Another friend of mine (in Germany) sent a cassette tape and a letter (in the same envelope) to a friend of his (also in Germany); the letter showed up, the tape didn’t. I recently got a letter from a friend of mine in the States; the letter was shrink-wrapped and was printed with a note from the Deutsche Post saying that the letter had been damaged by water, hence the protective plastic covering. The letter had obviously been held under a running faucet for 20 minutes, and the ink was so smeared that I couldn’t read a word.

I can’t even tell you how many boxes and envelopes, big and small, that have shown up on my doorstep crushed or punctured or torn open and sometimes taped up again (with a note saying that German customs had inspected the package), but usually not taped up at all, so I can never be sure if all the contents of the envelope are actually there, or if something has fallen out along the way.

And I am convinced that someone somewhere at the Deutsche Post saw my big envelope addressed to the British Consulate, thought it looked very important, and decided to put it through the shredder or put it aside for posterity or something.

Alright, you may say that perhaps not all of these postal anomalies were the fault of the Deutsche Post. Maybe the American postal system was responsible for some of the lost or damaged letters. Maybe I’m being unfair, and my visa application form did show up and is just languishing on somebody’s desk at the British Consulate General in Düsseldorf.

But the Deutsche Post hires students to work the really lousy hours for them. I know a lot of people who have worked for them, and I’ve heard horror stories that make me want to never send anything by snail mail in this country ever again (“Hey, I came across a whole bag full of letters that were mailed back in 1983 and never delivered!”).

And maybe I should have paid the extra money to send my application form by registered mail to begin with (and next time, believe me, I will - not that that necessarily ensures the my envelope will get to where it’s supposed to go).

But I can’t send everything by registered mail, and why should I have to? Stupid me: I bought into the idea that the Deutsche Post is actually efficient and reliable and up-to-date. And since you pay through the nose to mail anything here, you would think that you’d be getting something for your money (for pity’s sake, that’s a German axiom: kostet Nichts, taugt Nichts - if it doesn’t cost anything, it’s not worth anything, and therefore if it’s wildly overpriced it must be the best thing in the world).

And hello, this is a modern, industrialized country, folks! It’s the modern, industrialized country! There’s a lovely infrastructure of roads and railways and what have you. So can someone please explain why it’s so hard to get a stupid envelope from Point A to Point B - especially when both Point A and Point B are in Germany? It’s not like I’m sending something to Outer Mongolia, so where’s the problem? If I had sent the application by carrier pigeon to Duesseldorf, I would have had more confidence that it would actually have shown up.

I am just so disgusted. And dismayed. And disheartened. And generally mad at the world.

Anyone know where I can find a good carrier pigeon?